Jen’s Wild Years

Stories, poems, photos, essays, and other good stuff

Essay: The Cult of Awkward April 30, 2009

Filed under: essays,Writing — jenswildyears @ 7:28 pm
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My generation worships at the altars of awkwardness, irony, and metafiction.


For example, every other comment in my fiction writing workshop is, “I want to see more of that awkward moment.” Which I agree with, of course. My favorite TV show Curb Your Enthusiasm. The hardest I’ve ever laughed was at the Found Footage Festival. If it makes me squirm, I want more.

In this semester’s fiction workshop, I’ve read short stories about a lot of topics, from an obsessive-compulsive girl’s first period, to an obsessive-compulsive collector brought down (ironically!) by a packrat, to an obsessive-compulsive husband who’s a little too in love with his wife. Are we sensing a theme here? My generation’s boom isn’t oil or the Industrial Revolution: it’s a fascination with what happens when the human brain goes awry, and what the resulting misery ironically says about the human condition.


Half of my instant and text message conversations (which, in and of themselves, are both representative of my generation and reprehensible to many members of earlier generations) consist of people ironically using phrases and abbreviations that are so thick with “isn’t this ridiculous? Aren’t I being so cute by using it?” that I want to die. In a fire. Or, you know, DIAF. I can’t stop doing it, too. OMGWTFBBQ! See? See what I just did? Aren’t I soooo cool? Win. No, epic win. Because you know what, Homer? Vergil? Totally on the same scale as things in my day to day life! And victory or failure, just like in wars and stuff, is within my reach. Totally. Oh, I mean ttly.


Also, I am willing to wager all the money in my wallet (which, to be fair, is only $1.50, but still) that over half the people who say “that’s so meta” totally think it means metaphysical…yet totally grok the concept anyway. Metafiction is the only kind of fiction that makes sense anymore. Consider the popular show “Lost.” Wouldn’t its writers seem a little out of touch if they weren’t surfing the message boards to see the reaction to new characters and plot threads?


Nothing means anything to me unless it’s a pop culture reference. Bring up a topic, and I can quote a Simpsons episode that refers to it. As I pointed out in a response to my original blog post, I can also think of a lot of more obscure references to, you know, books and things. But the problem is, most of my generation doesn’t read very much. Cartoons are a much safer conversational bet. There’s something so egalitarian about making a good Simpsons reference. It doesn’t mean you’re lowbrow or highbrow. It just means that you, like almost everyone else in your age cohort, watched a certain, universally appealing television program, probably multiple times. And no matter how smart you are, the Simpsons contains (well, at least used to contain, back in the day!) delightfully intelligent and subversive commentary on just about everything.

Nothing means anything to me unless it’s hilarious. One of my current favorite television programs – and again, one that most of my generation watches, regardless of other factors such as socioeconomic status, intelligence, political leanings, or what have you – is The Office. It’s a parody that works on the level of Dilbert for some (hey, aren’t cubicles silly!), and on the level of Voltaire for others (watch out for that bat in the office! It’s going to give you rabies and inspire the whole office to do a charitable run for the rabies cause!). But regardless of why I like it, or why my friends and acquaintances like it, or why perfect strangers that I need a conversational “in” with like it, it just wouldn’t do unless it had several cringe-inducing jokes per minute. And of course, the “cringe inducing” is the key phrase in that sentence. We are laughing at the characters’ expense, but not really meanly: since we are laughing at their awkwardness, we’re really laughing at our own expense. We, too, have spent time with co-workers outside of work that was painfully awkward. Well, perhaps they weren’t as awkward as the characters on the show. Perhaps, then, the appeal of pop cultural awkwardness is that it reaches an extreme that we can be gratified that our own life has never risen to…yet, at least. But is a reduction ad absurdum really necessary in a country that’s itself risen to record absurdity levels, these days?

Nothing means anything to anyone these days. Well, I would have said that a month ago*, without compunction. Sure, I was guardedly optimistic about the election, but convinced, deep down, that McCain was going to steal it by foul means (election machine fraud!) or fair (oh, those stupid red states!). Most of my favorite moments throughout the campaign either involved Sarah Palin making an ass of herself, or (even better!) Tina Fey ironically mocking the way Sarah Palin was making an ass of herself. But then came November 4th. Barack Obama’s election is the only sincere joy I’ve felt and shared with my peers in such a long time.

Maybe, as a friend commented on my blog, it’s time for a post-irony era to begin. The idea of the whole nation pitching in to fix our current mess, planting victory gardens or participating in public works projects, is oddly appealing. Perhaps it’s time for me to prefer broad, James-Thurber-esque humor to the more sarcastic and worldly kind I’ve enjoyed for pretty much as long as I can remember. Is my generation with me? Only time will tell.

*Written in December 2008 :)

 

(unrevised) Othello reboot! “Those Soft Parts of Conversation” April 30, 2009

When Dahlia arrived at the pizza joint and saw Omar sitting beside Jack, her boyfriend looming over his effeminate friend, something worried her, made her queasy, although she wasn’t sure why. Omar and Jack had been close friends since they’d roomed as freshmen. Their names had become a single utterance, like Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street. But in the past month, there had been some kind of coldness or falling out between them. Since Dahlia and Omar had started dating secretly. They both had strict parents who just wouldn’t approve of the match, for very different but equally vehement reasons. Seeing the two together – and they were together in a very visceral sense: they were sitting catty-corner, not at opposite sides of the table – made her want to turn and run out the door.

(more…)

 

“Casual Encounters” April 30, 2009

Filed under: poems,Writing — jenswildyears @ 6:47 pm
Tags: , , ,

Casual Encounters

(found, Craigslist)

1. Headlines

I’m not sure if this is a good idea
i never done this b4!
cougars where are you?!
big ugly its your lucky day
be my BANGAROO
If I lick your asshole can I fuck it afterwards
everything that’s sweet is in puttiness
Can you handle my fire?

2. Headlines in chronological order

Looking for my soulmate
LOOKING TO HAVE FUN
wanna fuck somebody

 

“Two Cs in a K” April 30, 2009

Filed under: poems,Writing — jenswildyears @ 6:46 pm
Tags: ,

Two Cs in a K


i burned your

cookies and made

your cake

fall

after I scrubbed

myself with a

Brillo pad and

Comet

i licked your

toilet bowl until

it seemed perfectly

new

on hands and

knees like

a nude maid, i await your

bread

 

Flash Fiction: Annie vs. the Child Molester pt. 1 April 30, 2009

Filed under: flash fiction,stories,Writing — jenswildyears @ 6:12 pm
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Annie sold most of her possessions to fund her new vocation: she was a born-again assassin.

She took all her books to the bookstore, where they offered her five dollars for thousands of hours of reading pleasure. The book buyer fawned over her copy of The Anarchist’s Cookbook. “Actually,” she said, “I think I’m going to hang on to that one.”

She entered the pawn shop tentatively, like a first-time visitor to a brothel. There, she sold her television, digital camera, and iPod. Although they also offered her an amount of cash not nearly commensurate with the value of her things, she was far happier with their offer of in-store trade for a gun. “If only bookstores sold guns,” she said. Then: “Never mind.”

She went to the used clothing store and attempted to divest herself of interview pumps and little black dresses. The girl with a tiny sparkling gem clinging to the side of her nose like a teardrop apologized profusely for how terrible Annie’s taste in clothing was. “But I bought that here!” Annie said, trying hard not to be That Customer, like the meth-leathered effigy beside her, insisting that chlorine-faded cutoffs were the height of fashion. “Oh,” the nose-pierced hipster said, forming her lips like she was about to ingest a blow-pop. Annie went to the sun-warmed dumpster behind the store and left all her brightly-colored clothing on top of enough cutoffs to clothe a trailer park.

Finally Annie turned to the internet. She didn’t have time for the endless bubble-wrap and feedback dance, so she happily gave a commission to the Sell It For You On eBay! store similar to the one that Steve Carrell had mocked so mercilessly.

Then Annie went hunting.

 

First draft! “Calamity Jane” (sequel to Pretty Hates) April 30, 2009

Filed under: stories,Writing — jenswildyears @ 6:40 am
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Jane made endless lists. They invaded every room of the house, although the house belonged to Billy’s parents and they were constantly throwing her “paper scraps” away, or grinding them underfoot. She treasured the ability to write words, to draw; she didn’t seem to be able to create anything else lately. She was too tired.

(more…)

 

New untitled story April 25, 2009

Filed under: flash fiction,stories,Writing — jenswildyears @ 8:10 am
Tags: ,

Jack was at the Swinging Swan. He was a policeman, and that was where policemen went after their shifts, to relax, to meet floozies, and so forth. Jack hadn’t been a policeman long, and he went as often as he could; he wanted to fit in. There was one particular floozy who hung out there.
-What’s her name? Jack asked.
-Ananda, one of the guys said.
-Amanda, one of the other guys said.
-Who gives a shit? another one said.
-God, she’s a crazy bitch.
Jack didn’t say anything, but he noticed that most of the older, more experienced officers seemed to be quite familiar with this girl, in the Biblical sense. He’d learned about body language in the police academy. He could tell that they were embarrassed, ashamed, lying, turned on, all kinds of strange reactions that they never seemed to have to any other girls.
When Jack approached the girl he was curious and maybe more turned on by the thought that all the guys were thinking about him being about to fuck her, than he was by the girl herself. She wasn’t bad-looking, a nice body, but her face was lined and haggard. She was young but in the right lighting, she didn’t seem young at all. Most of the Swan was dark; she was never there in the daytime; it was only one flickering neon light that gave her sadness away.
-Hey. I’m Jack. Can I buy you a drink?
-Sure.
-On one condition.
-What’s that?
-Tell me your name.
-Does it matter?
Jack thought maybe she’d been listening to their conversation and he blushed.
-Oh you’re just a baby, she said.
-I’m nineteen.
-Are you a baby with a gun?
-Yes. No. I have a gun. I’m not a baby.
-Show me, she said.
They went back to her place. The guys said things as they left together but Jack couldn’t make anything out that made sense.
Her place was small, dark, unpleasant. It reminded Jack of Gollum’s cave in Lord of the Rings. My precious. Jack followed her to the bedroom, undressed her, kissed her. She tasted like beer and ashes. Finally she sat up.
-You’re just a baby.
-Do I look like a baby?
-Why’d you want to be a cop?
-I dunno. I just want to take care of things, I guess.
-I read somewhere that cops and criminals are psychologically the same. They do tests, she said, lighting a cigarette and taking a few drags.
-That’s bullshit.
-Does it annoy you when I smoke? She blew smoke in his face.
-Yes.
-You don’t smoke?
-No. It’s stupid. Expensive. My grandpa died of–
-Whatever. I want you to grab my cigarette.
-Make you stop smoking? Take care of you?
-No. I wasn’t finished. I want you to grab my cigarette and put it out on my skin.
-What? That’s fucked up. Are you crazy?
-Yes.
-Well I’m not going to do that. Put it out yourself.
She put it out and ground it into her arm. She closed her eyes and winced. It sounded like a girl in a porno coming. Jack didn’t stop her.
-Jesus. That’s fucked up. I’m going.
-I like cops, she said.
-Good for you.
-Your friends in the bar there, they’ve all fucked me.
-Yeah, I gathered that.
-They weren’t scared. They liked putting out cigarettes my way.
-Right, sure.
-No, they did. They like doing other things to me. You want to know my favorite thing?
-No. Where’d I put my–
-I like it when they shove their nightsticks up my ass.
-What? That’s sick. You’re sick. You need a fucking shrink. You need.
-They all do it. Why don’t you do it? You’re a fucking pussy.
Then they fucked. Jack fucked her. Jack did what she wanted. Jack did what he wanted.
Jack went to the bathroom and washed his hands. There was blood on them, and shit. He dried his hands on her towel. He washed his hands again. He dried them on his jeans. He lifted them and smelled the tips of his fingers. He went out into the room with small steps, like he had shrunk.
-Were you abused or something?
-You’re a fucking genius.
-Look, I’m sorry. I don’t know–
-Don’t be. Get out of here now, kid.
-Do they really–
-Yeah. They do. Just like you. Except they want it harder. Except they know themselves better maybe.
-You’re still bleeding. You need–
-You don’t have any idea what I need, she said. Get out of here. Get out before I call the cops. She laughed like air hissing out of a slashed tire.

 

Second Draft, “Butterface-of-the-Month Club” April 7, 2009

Filed under: Writing — jenswildyears @ 2:03 am
Tags: , ,

“Butterface-of-the-Month Club”

She drove past his driveway four times, slower each time. Finally, with one last glance at her crumpled Mapquest printout, she pulled in and parked rather far away from his expensive car. She wasn’t sure what brand it was because it had a symbol instead of a name tramp-stamped onto its bumper. She wasn’t good with cars. She didn’t know their brands, she didn’t know how to change a tire, and she didn’t think she was a very good driver. But she could still tell that his was nice. Like his house. Not ostentatiously impressive, but obviously expensive and much better than anything she could ever hope to have.

He opened the door as she got out of the car. She didn’t like that. She had imagined walking up, lifting her hand, knocking or ringing a doorbell. She had imagined a pause in between the time that she arrived at the door and the time that she announced her presence, a pause in which she’d have one last chance to reconsider, to drive home and then masturbate and then watch Jay Leno and then go to sleep feeling okay. Not great, but okay.

(more…)

 

Final Revision: “All My Pretty Hates” April 6, 2009

Filed under: stories,Writing — jenswildyears @ 10:16 pm
Tags: , , ,

All My Pretty Hates

Wail

Love has gone a-rocketing.
That is not the worst;
I could do without the thing,
And not be the first.

Joy has gone the way it came.
That is nothing new;
I could get along the same —
Many people do.

Dig for me the narrow bed,
Now I am bereft.
All my pretty hates are dead,
And what have I left?

-Dorothy Parker

Jane steepled her fingers over the keyboard. Was she really going to write this?

Dear Sean,
I am writing because I want your permission to disclose-

No. She looked up from the computer and let the shimmering afterimage of the screen fade. She tried to sketch the moment in her mind, although her life was far too dull to illustrate.
She’d show herself from above, so the reader would see the laptop over her, warming her. She would also have to show how drawn her face was. Not that it ever was an especially perky face, but lately she hadn’t been sleeping more than four or five hours per night, and was old enough to show it.
She settled deeper into the chaise lounge, grinding her cigarette into the overflowing ashtray on the floor. She was sitting, as she did for vacant hours every day, in the only room she ever really used in her second home in Scottsdale. If she went to the balcony, she could see Alice Cooper’s mansion. If she didn’t have writers’ block, that would be a detail to include. She was too serious; she needed to notice lighter things that readers enjoy, as her editor often reminded her.

(more…)

 

 
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